I’ve read a few different things lately on the topic of thirsting for God. One woman asked herself if she truly thirsted for God, or if she was finding herself pretty happy without Him, bored with what He had to offer. Another asked if we tend to fill up on other things instead God, do we really allow Him to quench our thirst.
It’s an interesting question for me, because I feel as though I do thirst for God. I feel dry, parched. Like I’ve been away from God for a long long time. I do long for God. I long to discover a different God then the fundamentalist, angry, God. Growing up I never felt as though I was enough for my parents. And now I still find myself struggling to feel good enough for God. I do not feel as though God could care for me, be concerned for me, love me. I know God’s love is supposed to be unconditional, I just haven’t experienced it that way. The closest I have ever come to experiencing unconditional love, is the love from my husband.
I have gone through fazes of not talking to God, and not reading my bible, But lately I’ve been making an effort again. As the minister’s wife I go to church twice a week and bible study mid-week. I read a few verses of my bible almost daily. I pray. I read up on God because I want to find out more about Him. I don’t think I am bored with what God has to offer, more like confused, and maybe afraid.
For every wonderful new discovery of bible verses that talk about the depths of God’s love, there seems to be another verse laughing at me, taunting me with God’s hatred. For every amazing section of the catechism that seems to rip the scales from my eyes, there are overwhelmingly cold statements that crush hope.
We have a house visit from the church Elders every year. They ask how we are doing spiritually, whether or not we are doing devotions. It feels superficial. I could never open my mouth and say that some days I wonder if God even exists. They say that the church cares about us, but it feels like a joke. Like they are saying “we love you unconditionally, just keep performing well.” Sometimes I feel like that is how God loves. “I love you unconditionally, but do what I say.”
One time I got a thank you note from the denomination thanking me for supporting my husband in ministry. It made me so angry when I read the pre-printed note with the stamped signature. How dare they send out 1000’s of these notes, expecting them to be encouraging somehow. When they have zero concept of my life and my faith? Sometimes I feel like that is how God loves, he sends generic notes with a “Love from God” stamp at the bottom. The note says something like “Thank you so much for following God, I love and appreciate your support.”
How does God love?
Does he really care? If He really loved everyone, wouldn’t He make Himself more obvious, so that everyone could feel His love? I know, I know, my Dad always told me that if God stopped loving me I would stop breathing. And yes, I see all the incredible blessings in my life. But I don’t feel a connection with God’s love. It feels empty. I feel guilty and unappreciative because I don’t feel His love like I’m supposed too. And I am so afraid that God is going to take away the people who matter the most in my life to “get me to the end of myself” and “draw me closer to Him”.
What does God’s love look like? How do you know God loves you? When do you most feel His love?
"Blessed are those who are poor in spirit!" Jesus called us blessed, because we know that we want God, the REAL God, and aren't content with some small construction of him which lives in form letters and sits in judgement upon its neighbours, and willfully calls disaster upon its children in order to break them. He said to seek, but not that we already have to know before we have even asked the hard questions. I think you are on exactly the right track.
ReplyDeleteFor me, personally, the Eucharist and Confession have been so, so huge. I am a big evidence person, and I couldn't take the idea of a Son of God on earth really seriously without feeling the effects in a pretty specific way...without feeling it in action. I just...wow. The inexplicable grace that I found was pretty convincing. I'm not perfect, not even that great, but I am getting better, and more sure, and feeling that love: not just as a recipient, but as a participant...a part of it. A part of the Body of Christ, I suppose.
Don't be afraid or guilty to seek and to knock on doors. It's our mission in life! I started with one presupposition: "All creation is enormous. If there's a God, he is reallllly big." And then another: "Love is all that truly matters. Therefore, God must be love." I tried to make sense of those two things, and it lead me straight here. You don't have to start out knowing. You will get there, and God will love you, just as you are, the whole way.
"What does God's love look like?" That is, of course, an intriguing question and cannot really be separated from the question, "Who is God?" It's a question about the essence or nature of God.
ReplyDeleteAccording to traditional Christian belief, that question has only one answer -- God (who is love) looks like Jesus of Nazareth. Too many of us and too many of our systems imagine a God of some sort and then try to fit Jesus into the mold of that God. But if there's anything I've come to understand as I've meandered through many religions and finally deeper and deeper into Christianity, it's this: We don't have any idea who God is or what he like. God is beyond our knowledge and essentially unknowable and while we might have some vague natural insight about him, the truth is that he lay far beyond our ken.
We had no capacity to know and have communion with God, the only uncreated, so he entered into union and communion with us. The word became sarx, became flesh, and dwelled among us. He experienced everything we experience and was human in every way. Jesus is the eikon of the invisible (and unknowable) God. Jesus is the template or image according to which we were formed and he reveals God to us. It's perhaps more accurate to say that God is Jesus -- at least the only lens through which we can truly know God -- than it is to say that Jesus is God, by which we often mean that Jesus conforms to some image of God we have constructed.
How do I know God loves me? Because he became one of us so that we could be one with him. And he took on the whole package, including all the bad, all the way to the most forsaken and unjust death imaginable in order to defeat death on our behalf, to defeat the powers and rescue us. Even in those moments when I feel most disaffected with Christianity and distant from God, I'm still captivated by the beauty of the Incarnation and the Resurrection. If that's God, then his love is beyond doubt and almost unimaginable.
When do I most feel his love? That's a hard question. I suppose it's in those rare moments when I am able to truly inhabit the present moment rather than straining to pull forward the past or peering ahead into the future. I don't know.
How do you make love obvious or able to be felt? By humbling yourself and being a servant. By considering others before yourself. In other words, the way Jesus did. The problem is that if you are least, if you are humble, if you serve others, if you do not seek your own way, if you do not lord it over them, then their are people who will overlook or even choose to despise you. Will God's love eventually win out and warm the hearts of even the coldest and cruelest among us? I think maybe. But it won't be through signs and wonders.
Probably not good answers to your questions, but the only ones I have today.
What does God’s love look like?
ReplyDeleteWhat DOES it look like? I think it's probably His Grace that I see everything in my life as an expression of His love for me. When I think about the suffering I went through as a child, but yet, I never comprehended I was suffering (the trauma of my parents' divorce, my mother's emotional, physical and sexual abuse, etc.) while I was in it. In hindsight, as I grew up, as I have had my children, I see that so many of the things I did were a reaching out to people for some kind of comfort...but I never doubted God. How is that? I have no idea. But I would imagine the fact that I made it into adulthood with only what I consider some scars on my soul...that HAS to be the work of love from God.
How do you know God loves you?
I have wondered that a lot...especially when I talk with people who don't have the same faith background I do. Often they ask the question, "How do you know..." The thing is, you can't know with certainty anything. It's all about faith. The very definition of faith yields that we cannot know that God loves us. We can only trust that He does.
When do you most feel His love?
And again, I feel like everything in my life (including the suffering) helps me to feel His love. Cuddling with my 4-year-old in the mornings before she gets up and gets dressed. Hugging my oldest when she's having a rough time. Receiving a kiss from my baby boy completely unprovoked and unsolicited. Working day in and day out at a job I don't really care for all that much, but that continues to pay the bills and put food on the table. Coming home in the evening to a husband who would lay down and die for me. Finding a light at the end of the tunnel of financial distress. Playing with, reading to, learning from my children. Sitting in Church, gazing on the Blessed Sacrament while juggling my 22-month-old, hugging my 4-year-old and praying a Rosary with my other two. Everything, day in and day out makes me feel God's love.
It has taken me a long time to realize that there is no "right" way to love God (ie. a list of things that I have to do or feelings that I have to have). I am in the midst of not doing a lot like having personal devotions or times of prayer. Partly because after waking up during the night to nurse once or twice or three times (you get the point), I am kind of brain dead the next day. Partly because I am working out the conditioning from my early days about what the Bible says and what it is for and what the Christian life is all about. I recoil from certain words and ideas.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to my husband about it, and he thinks that it's natural to have a huge pendulum swing when coming out of something and that after a bit it will even out for me. So he told me not to worry. I heart him. We do try to have morning and evening prayers and sometimes we sing it. Because of that, I have a set liturgy in my mind (all composed of scripture) that I find myself singing through the day. We also find ourselves singing the Sunday liturgies as well. It's a whole different mindset, but I feel like I am being fed.
I read on a friends fb status the other day something about striving every minute to live a life of repentance. And I was thinking "really, is that what life is all about? if that is all I am thinking about, who is going to take care of everything and everyone else?" I do believe that life with Christ is one of faith and repentance, but it is not something that i have to wring my hands about every minute of the day.
Anyway, I WILL SHUT UP NOW!:-)
Leigh Ann
I think you might really like to read St. Teresa of Avila's autobiography...can't remember if I've said that before...
ReplyDeleteThanks Tara! It amazing to me that people keep mentioning the power of the sacraments, makes me feel as though I'm really missing something! :)
ReplyDeleteScott- Thanks so much for your thoughts. The beauty of the incarnation and the ressurection is what keeps pulling me back time and time again.
Michelle- Thank you! I love your tangible examples of love. And what a powerful story of grace in your own life!
Leigh Ann- I struggle with the same thing! The only reason I go to church some weeks is because I'm the pastors wife and I know that at least the sermons will be encouraging. But so much of the time I've found reading the bible depressing. I hear all the voices from the past. I guess that's why I stick with a few verses here and there.
Rebecca in CA- Interesting, I should look it up!
Very nice post...I have some of these struggles, too
ReplyDeleteP.S. The Song of Songs! :)
ReplyDelete(Fixed a few typos in my first comment, so you can replace it with this one). :)
ReplyDeleteWhat does God’s love look like?
His love is manifest not only to our sight, but each of our senses given to us for the purpose of experiencing and taking in His goodness!
To me, the Divine Romancer expresses His love daily, vividly, enchantingly... in the passionate colors of a sunset... the engulfing power of the ocean... the caressing petal of a rose... the precious face of a baby... the piercing beauty of a line of quality music. Lovers often say, "I'd hang the moon in the sky for you if I could..." well, He can and DOES! :)
How do you know God loves you?
Countless, numerous ways, both big and small. I know that He called me into being from all eternity with a unique, individualized mission for my life. Every skill and talent I possess is a free gift from Him. And the God of the universe loves His people so deeply as to make Himself a prisoner of love in every tabernacle in the world, just to be physically present to us!
To look at the crucifix is the ultimate picture of love (I know a couple that chose to hold a crucifix during their wedding vows for this very reason!). And I am always moved by the image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. When He appeared to St. Margaret Mary and she saw His heart aflame and pierced and bleeding, His words were: "Behold the Heart that so much loves man!"
When do you most feel His love?
When I receive Him sacramentally, when I spend time in His presence, gazing at the monstrance holding His body, and when I allow myself to marvel in childlike awe at the majesty of his creation. I know His love and see His smile when I look at the family and friends I've been blessed with, and when He answers very specific prayers! For example, yesterday we had a surprise outdoor 50th birthday party for my Mom. Thunderstorms were predicted, but I knew and trusted all along the the Lord (and His Blessed Mother, whom I often ask for help with details like this) would defy the forecast for us. We prayed with confidence, and the morning's rain gave way to pleasant sunshine in perfect timing for our celebration, which was blessed in every way! As the weather is something that is completely out of our human control, I'm very moved whenever the Lord grants a miracle like that!
I believe that the struggle is not in God lacking expression of His love, but in our failure to recognize it. As the convert, philosopher, and author G.K. Chesterton so wonderfully said...
"The world is not starved for lack of wonders, but for lack of wonder."
P.P.S. This is a must-watch/listen-to! :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII
Thanks Claire, I love all the details in your comment!
ReplyDelete"And I am so afraid that God is going to take away the people who matter the most in my life to 'get me to the end of myself' and 'draw me closer to Him'."
ReplyDeleteThat's such a damaging strain of theology and one that I was raised with too. It is so terrifying to think that God will destroy our lives if necessary so that we will rely on him more. Growing up, I felt I had to pretend extra devotion even in my own thoughts just so God wouldn't kill my family to make me a better Christian.
My perception of God is drastically different now, and that is where I feel his love the most -- in my ability to read the Bible through a new lens and see grace instead of legalism. There is no way I broke away from the indoctrination of my childhood with my own willpower. Sometimes I'm frustrated that my journey to the *real* God is taking so long, but then I see love in that too. The urgency and frantic sense of "now, now, NOW!" that I used to associate with religion are gone, and peace has taken their place. I have space to breathe now and space to question, so much space, and that is evidence of love. Little snippets of beauty scattered throughout my day are evidence of love. My daughters' wholehearted hugs are evidence of love. The hope I have that God will continue this spacious, slow-paced journey with me is evidence of love.
I wish it were more obvious too, but maybe Claire is right that we have trouble recognizing even the most overt love for what it is. I recognize some of it now, though, and that's an amazing start.
Bethany- Thank you! I get frustrated that the journey to a loving God seems to take so long, and I still can't read that much of the bible without hearing my Dad's voice. (I stick with the psalms and the gospels!) Its good to hear from someone who has walked this road ahead of me. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, so many good comments! Mine will probably be shoddy in comparison, but I have had a hard time "feeling" God's love lately, and I don't think that's a problem. His love is completely beyond me and has nothing to do with my response or my feeling. Its there no matter what.
ReplyDeleteIf I do want a good reminder because I really am not feeling it though, I find that pretty much opening the Bible to any verse really helps, especially if it happens to be the beatitudes :)
Wow.. have you been reading my diary?! I have SO much to say about this, and it's such a lifelong journey for me. I think what I wrote before might say better where I'm at now with this topic... http://iambelovedofgod.blogspot.com/2010/09/being-loved.html
ReplyDeleteMatching- Thanks for sharing that its a journey.
ReplyDeleteBeloved- Thanks for the link! I'll be heading over. :)
I too struggled with many of your questions and mainly with Law and Grace. I read a book called "Destined to Reign" by Joseph Prince. It answered so many of my questions. You can find him on the net too at josephprince.org. Don't be put off by his image or any preconceived idea that may pop out on your mind when you see the website. Read on his message it will blow your mind away and it will help you finally see the real Gospel and the Real Savior. :)
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