I knew it was bound to happen at some point, it’s kind of hard to disguise some of the unique features my story. I had no game plan on what to do if my blog was discovered, so when I got the news that people from back home could be reading I immediately locked Permission to Live to give myself some time to think.
In many ways it was frustrating to know my anonymity was gone, this has been a safe place for me to organize my thoughts and process my issues for almost 2 years now. Part of me was tempted to shut my blog down for good, and maybe open up a new anonymous blog somewhere to start over. But the more I thought about it, The more I leaned towards sticking it out here despite the flack. I would hate to lose the friends I’ve gained through blogging. And I am not ashamed to have friends and family read what I’ve written. Everything I have written is true. I’ve sought to be very honest about my faith journey, my parenting breakthroughs, and my healing from the past. I have really tried to tell my story, not anyone else’s. And when that story has included someone else, I have kept them anonymous, and tried to stick to only what I would be willing to say to their face, often talking about what I had already said to them.
And so, I decided that I am ready to be the true authentic person that I have been developing here on my blog, even if people who may wish that I kept quiet, are reading. I realize that means that I could get negative feedback, and so I want to summarize once more the purpose of my blog.
This is my own little place to think and process stuff. I have found a voice through writing here.
I write about the little ins and outs of life, but I also write about more controversial topics, such as my journey from Punitive to Gentle parenting and how I was impacted by the Quiverfull and Patriarchal mentality I grew up in as well as my growth out of that mentality. And sometimes my writing has included stories from my childhood as well as my adult life. I have never meant this blog to be a expose of my parents faults, I have written honestly about my experiences growing up, but I have also written honestly about my own shortcomings.
I find it ironic when I get input from readers and other people within the Christian home school community on how my parents were so extreme. The comment will often go something like this. “Wow, you’re parents were crazy. They spanked to hard and to long. I always limit myself to 5-10 swats with a switch, I would never use a spoon like your parents did.” Or “It’s so silly that your parents didn’t allow you to go to college, I encourage my girls to go to college as long as they understand that they will have to find contentment in their god-given role as submissive wife and homeschooling mother someday.”
Yes, my parents were extreme, still are in some ways. But these comments come from people who are also extreme in almost any society, even if they can feel “liberal” in comparison to the people they surround themselves with. I’ve written about this sort of denial before, it’s easier to see oneself as balanced when one compares themselves to someone slightly more extreme than they are.
We all struggle with balance. I know I struggle to find balance in my own life. I don’t write about my experiences with punitive parenting so that everyone who is slightly less violent in their own parenting can pat themselves on the back. I don’t write about the inequality between the sexes in the patriarch movement so that anyone who merely pushes wifely submission instead of female submission can feel good about themselves. We should all be uncomfortable. I write to challenge myself to re-evaluate my own balance. I write to challenge anyone who is brave enough to travel that road with me.
*No blogger should feel pressured to be more open than they are. In my particular situation, I have no reason to fear any major retaliation, and even if I did these family and friends live over 1000 miles away. I merely lose my privacy and risk some superficial conflict. Many bloggers are not so lucky.
Originally published here.